*video also available on this link... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bRo4avwxZP8 *
Also,sorry for some typo & grammar errors..didnt had much time to proofread and edit ...hehe..anyhow hope u like it..: )
Now...here's the gift!
The saddest 20 ever….
After a long night of flooded tears, I woke up starving.
Last night could be the longest I had.
Why? Well my mind was wandering aimlessly for answers…
I was full of questions….
What happened? What did I do? What did he do?
What does he want? What will I do?
Who am I, who I was, who I love. How am I, How I was, How I love. Etc etc.
Some was answered, some were not. I end up cryin more….
Petty I know.
I suddenly I felt like wasn’t sure of anything, the clarity I had the night before instantly left and I went to back to the confused person I was, I’ve been…..and I feel so horrible.
No I wasn’t angry at him, I didn’t felt any anger at all.
Surprisingly, neither to myself...
I was just……hmmm blank?….i don’t know what to think…or to feel…yes that feeling again…
At some point I did pitied myself…like I always do…we always do…when we feel insecure….we feel scared…when somebody left us..or somebody pushed us away…..or let us down…
What’s different now is I had to bear all this alone….hard-core truth…I had to…
Grace should be coming over last night…but I texted her not to…I sed I was sick..
because like I’ve mention I have to bear this alone..and I don’t wana talk to anyone..not yet…
I just needed something from her so I had to text her to come today or tomorrow….plus I don’t wana worry her too much for not letting her come…
Despite I wasn’t sure if I have enough time to fix myself….physically,my eyes sore to death and I havent eaten anything yet…unintentional starvation, my stomach just don’t wana accept anything…and my taste bud willingly cooperates with that….plus I cant go out because I look awful…tada tada….
And Despite the sad fact that she will ask absolutely questions for my sudden uninviting mood and well obvious horrible “look”…..I am determined not to answer…..
I did call his mom…. like wat I assured him.…
Of course I remember its her moms birthday, I did marked my calendar way before that Id call her today.
Kahit natakot ako calling her because I might sound “not-so-good” on the fone…I had to….
Besides I have to do it for her… and yes for him…and perhaps somehow…for myself…
I had to sound ok even at least for that moment and I think I was successful for that matter…
The conversation went fine…to my surprise,I sounded very-fine actually….
But then again after it…I had to go back to my reality…
I am such baby…
Crying for no-reason at all…oh well I have reasons I guess but I wasn’t exactly sure why I was cryin that moment….
It was mixed emotions….not sure if it was sadness because I had to mask a brave face to everyone even his mom… Or joy cause I was able to feel again that unexplainable nice feeling when I talk to his mother…or was it because for a couple of minutes I was able to escape my reality?...hmmm
Gara came…..
And as expected she did asked…and yes iv kept my words…
I was silent the whole time…
She would ask about him and yes I would answer but only those I know what or how to answer…
I might have been a pain in the ass for her…because I really don’t wana speak up…
I feel guilty though and it was really hard for me but….here’s my reasons….
First…I wasn’t ready and I don’t see the need for such…
Second…this will be a shocker to her…last week I sound so fine and happy and inlove like ive always been everytime I tell her stories about him..telling her what happened or answering some of her questions will surely make me cry…id rather have her last weeks memory of me….
Third…..i know grace has been so supportive of us “together”..but recently iv felt her resistance of the situation and it kinda pains me..because I wana believe in this…and here comes another person who seem to be not “so” for it…she hasn’t been vocal about it but I have this feeling that she want us together….not just literally but it “has to be” figurative as well…well, I do too..we do want that too….but how? I don’t wana rush things…and I don’t wana pressure him…so what else to do? Can we do?....id rather not tell her what happened…for now…not until im brave enough to hear what she will/might say….
Last but never the least… I kinda know her….she might do something….she probably will do something….and I don’t want her to be in between..I don’t want her to negotiate for us….because either of us may misinterpret things or I don’t know…I just want this to be for “us” to fix….for “us” to figure out…. Plus hindi ko alam how she’ll look at the situation…I don’t want to change the way she sees me or him…you know what I mean….of course we all judge somehow, deep inside ourselves we do… I don’t want her to hear only my side of the story….oh well of course ipagtatanggol ko SYA…but then I may not be able to give enough justice to either of the story anyway…so I better not tell anything…
We end up tryin to talk about her and other people….I was somehow successful dropping one topic and coming up with another…but still Im quite sure she knows something’s wrong…
If somehow she happens to read this..I am so sorry gara…
I know you will understand…Please do….
Being with her was never easy because first I had to wear mask, a mask probably so transparent for her but thick enough for me to shield thoughts runnin wildly on my mind…questions I probably would have spent all day (if not for her visit) answering and figuring out…and my eyes would probably have been horrible than its been ever….
It was somehow a blessing for I was diverted…..the hours went by faster and by past midnight nakatulog na xa….and here I am again…back to my reality….
Looking back at how the day went….it was still indescribable….
What do I feel?
I don’t know. I feel numb?
It’s been a long day.
I had to “literally” fix myself after I woke up because like what I said gara may come and I have to call his mom.
Thank God I need not wear another mask with madz around. But no she has no idea…at least none which confirmed what she’s been thinking.
She saw me last night, in my weakest mode. I didn’t like the idea but my eyes wont cooperate no matter how much I wanted to.
I was floating, and I did tried every possible way to somehow comfort myself but to no avail I was…..way sad.
You know what made me feel less scared and woresome….and eventually put me to sleep….it was when I talked to HIM and my mom….I usually do that…especially during trying times…
That’s the last comfort I could give myself….last comfort which will definitely helped me somehow find peace and clarity….last but definitely the surest way I could get assurance that I am loved…
I’ve thought of A LOT today,
After waking up I tried to clean the house…
Gara is coming and I look horrible, the house should at least look better and so I decided I have to do something if not to myself at least at how things looks like…
I did the the laundry, cleaned the house, and cleaned the bathroom.
Yes I was sort-of-functional, my normal Saturdays would usually be spent in front of the TV.
I decided this day should be different, I have to be fine….
One thing bad though I didn’t fix my bed, once in a while I go back in it and hugged my pillows….as if tryin to convince them to hug me back….
It was a tough day…..but a meaningful one….
While doin the cleaning I remember my the night before last night
That night I’ve certain out what I wanted exactly in my life.
That night I’ve decided to face some hard-core truths of what Ive been so hesitant to admit
That night I’ve listed in my mind what I AM sure of.
Love…Life….Career…..Family….
It was way more than I expected….
And I never thought I’ve already been that decided about some things….
Career, despite the licence, this is the least priority, never was “the priority” actually.
All I want is to work (at least for now), because I have to….for other aspects to be fulfilled….
A work, which will make me grow not just in my field but as a person as well…therefore it has to be something that’s fulfilling meaning the company has to be for a good cause, it has to have the least “toxic” people in it (oh yes now I believe negativity and pessimism are influenced), and of course it should provide me a work-life balance.
Another important aspect (again at least for now) it has to be financially rewarding.
Now Life……Sobrang nagpaligoy ligoy ako dito pramis….but I ended with this few surest thoughts…..I just wana live it to the fullest..,with the least regrets I could possibly have. That’s just it.
And Love….well…..this is easy or at least I thought it was….I was certain of two things….One, I will love the person Iam “inlove” with…..no matter how complicated it is, no matter how scary things are….no matter how much it probably may have lessen the complication if we give up with what we have,I can never turn my back on him….Two, he may not be perfect and he may not be exactly everything I wish him to be, that’s just the way he is….that’s just the way he’s been..and he is perfectly accepted for that. You wanna know why? It was because like what Ive told him many times. I believe in him and us. I believe in what we can do together, how fun it would be if we’ll end up spending many years of our lives growing together. Period.
And Family….simple…this is something I need not elaborate. I know my responsibilities and I promise that I will live for that no matter what. I love them and they will always be my reasons to go on if in case all the other aspects of my life went wrong.
There I’ve let it out.
Thought from the other night wasn’t detailed and yes some of it were easily challenged by what happened last night….
While I was cleaning kanina I though of that again…this time I made a sophisticated one…
I love makin list….at least certain out what I want…
I have a story first…..Believe me or not…Last year after witnessing a funeral of a family friend of ours who past away I made a list of how my funeral wanna be. As weird as it sound I remember I wrote there I wanted a white casket, some white ballons, some roses and letters thrown on my grave. Seriously! I even mentioned who I wana speak on my eulogy and what color I want my relative to wear etc. etc. I can’t vividly remember every detail though pero sige I will share some things I remember. I want my father and my lolo, my tita beth (that is if I go before them), my bestfriend, a college friend and a high school friend to share on my eulogy. I want people to wear white, and I wana be cremated yet I still wana be buried afterwards. Freaky I know, I remember how nanay would always react eveytime I mention I wana be cremated, its funny to me. I don’t know I’ve always been open about it, just mine ok, not because Im really/actually ready to go but maybe Im just scared that they go first before I do, that is a LOT scary to me. Ok enough, I just mentioned it. Not that I wana die after flooding tears last night or just because something happened. Of course I still wana live, fom my family and for my dreams. Now going back, the sophisticated list of what I wanted.
Career..
Same thing…except that I really wana work outside the country…I wana experience it…meeting other people…knowing their culture..how they look at things..on a personal note and professionally speaking…ok I should have taken psyche I know..but there’s no turning back and Im already here..no matter how much I wanted to travel and shift career…probably I can’t for now because first there’s no opportunity and second I have to accept some truth in my life that cannot be changed no matter how much I wanted it too…besides I can still travel without the need to shift career right?....plus..this is want my tatay wants me to do..and my mom…so yeah Id embrace this field…anyway there’s no harm in staying…and trying…and im already here so better just make something out of it.
Life….
hmmm same principles as I’ve mentioned….except that if given the chance and if I will finally be allowed to financially…. I will really try to do my interests…or I mean kahit parang co-curr activities lang….and that is travel of course and photography and some may not know..crafts….id like to try accessories making and scrapbooking…yes, totoo…and I…wana be vain enough as a girl/woman….like dress up more often and work-out and wear make up sometimes…you know….and of course….I wana help other people, besides my family...this is a sensitive topic and I don’t know yet how exactly will I be able to do this but I DO wana help….even in my own litle ways….
Now..the love department…
Surprisingly or may be not, I still feel the same as the other night. Honestly. No matter how much I wana deny it I’ve fallen deeply inlove with him. And him saying he wana have some space to think things over hasn’t change anything, at least yet of what I’ve already admitted to myself. In fact, my reaction now only proved what I’ve admitted yesterday. But I couldn’t hide I was deeply affected of what he said, of what he’s asking. Way affected, but here I am, still hopefull, still fighting, still writing of how much he means to me. I am giving him the space that he needs kahit halos hindi ko maintidihan how to execute this thing . Kamusta naman we have all the space in the world between us…ano pa bang space ang gusto… And ewan ko, makulit na ba ko sa kanya that he wana have more time and space for himelf? Hayyy…honestly hindi ko alam pano ko maibibigay yon, the only way I can think of is not to bother him with anything.…no emails? No msg? no fone calls? could this be the right way? Hindi ko alam….hindi ko na alam…ALL I KNOW is I WANT HIM to FIND HIMSELF. ..i’ve tried all other ways to show him my support and and if this can be another way and this is what he really needs….im giving it to him….no matter how painful this is for me…it’s scary actually….where are we going? Hindi ko alam…only HE knows ….Im scared of some things…like what if hindi na xa bumalik?….Im scared despite his sort of assurance that there’s no one else, pano kung hindi na lang talaga xa masaya saken? Sa ganito or now?..and he wana find his happiness?....pano kung ang dahilan kung bat hindi na mahanp ang sarili nya is because of me?....All the tears I’ve shed since last night are probably just because of these thoughts…silly I know….but girls are..unfortunately we are a little too paranoid….Now I should stop discussing this because I can’t flood more tears here…Im gona hang on though…until he comes back…as of today…I wana believe he will….It’s just that there are some moments I feel all the fears again….and I end up feelin wrapped by those fears…
Ok enough about him….cool-off kame right,I don’t think I should bother him…
Here now the love department….described in a lot sophisticated way…
You now what I wanted? I only want to love and be loved in return. I want a relationship I could grow with. A relationship that could help “us” to be a better person, to be the best person we can be. I want us to discover, explore and dream together. Kahit pa figurative na together lang. Of course id want us to be literally together but if there’s no choice for us as of the moment, I wouldn’t regard distance as a hindrance as long us we both believe that its not, as long as we “fight-together “ and we plan on how to get through it together. I want us to have fun always, no matter how bizarre that fun may be. I want our interest to at least coincide and I want, humor and randomness and adventure. I wanna be with someone whom I could totally be honest with and someone who can do the same. I want a bestfriend, a team-mate, someone whom I woudn’t mind having problems with, because we’d be good overcoming it. What we have doesn’t have to be perfect because of course it can never be. I don’t mind if he has moodswings, or less sweet, or tamad sometimes , as long as there’s always compromise both ways its gonna be fine. Im only twenty-two now, Im not asking for a ring to wear on my finger or a house where we will raise our kids all I want is a commitment, all I want is honesty and love and some dreams of our future together. I don’t wana rush things but neither do I want something that’s just plain fun and carefree of the tomorows.
I don’t need exact plans or blueprints all I want is enthusiasm for the somedays.
Hmmm…and there’s only one guy on my mind thinking about all that. I don’t know why I have this feeling that he’s all that and we can be all that..together. hayyy….goosebumps…
Now on a lot more serious note…In the future I wana marry a guy I’ve spent most years of my life with. A guy I love more than I’ve love anyone else and hopefully someone who feels the same way for me. Those plus this has been a childhood wish, I’ve always been vocal that I want “the guy” be known if not close to my family. Ayoko na kelangan ko pang magpakilala or mag-explain why I will marry the person. I want things to be less complicated as possible. I want him to be the person who’ve known me more than any guy and hopefully ako rin sa kanya. I don’t care really if I don’t have the grandest wedding ever as long as it’s the happiest day. I adore weddings and Id love one that’s properly planned and prepared for BUT if constraints would be practicality and solemnity and time or any other acceptable reason. I wouldn’t mind running to the nearest chapel bitbitin ang magulang at ilang kaibigan and get married, even eat at jolibee afterwards. Its how much I love the person whom I wouldn’t mind spending the rest of my life with that will matter. I want my own family. I wana be a wife and a mom and im gonna try to be the best that I can be. We will raise our kids our own, a family full of love and understanding and we will go to church together and would go out of town on weekends. That sounds simple though I know it’s not, iit’s even SCARY. Nevertheless, someday I do want that kind of family, the normal one, the kind of family I never had. And by the way, I want three or four kids and I want a place of our own. I don’t care when and where either. (hayay..it feels good writing this…it sounded like a dream board to me…now…who could the person be?....hmmm HE knows the desires of my heart BUT of course HE knows best…
List, for My family……
This is a little too personal and I really cant disclose much because it involves other people. I have some wishes and dreams for them and writing all of them down here wont do justice for its been very detailed. But to mention few, I want my grandparents to somehow have the comfortable life they’re suppose to have…it’s actually long past due and quite depressing to think that its not YET happening… and my father, all I wanted is for him to be happy. I cannot describe how anymore but the scene’s drawn in my mind. I could go on for what I wanted with my tito’s and tita’s and my little cuzin’s but really it would be too personal.
See…that’s a sophisticated list. I could elaborate with some more. But yeah it is getting late…technically its DAY 2 now….
It was INDEED a LONG DAY for me.
I wonder how was his day……what his reaction would be given the chance he read this…as of today I haven’t decide yet if Id post this….maybe…I don’t know……
I don’t wanna be a burden to him…if that ‘s what this cool off thing is about…but somehow I do want to let him know how my day went…what I felt exactly….at least he’ll have an idea that this day has been the saddest 20 for me…but lookin at the bright side, it made me realize and put into writing what I wnted and wat I felt….so, am I gonna post this? hmmm we’ll see….i just don’t really wana hurt him….masasaktan ko nga ba xa sa mga pinagsusulat ko? I don’t know…don’t even have the slightest idea…
for now …I don’t wana bug him.but I may change my mind….we will see….
Day 2 (June 21, 2009)
Woke up noon.
Same reaction with gara. She still bugs me.
But she lose, before she left I had to thank her for bearing with me.
And she just smiled.
Later afternoon I had to mask (again) a brave face.
It’s john’s birthday, I had to go upstairs and try to mingle, I was thinking I should excuse myself just for today but thought they will be bothered .
And I cannot have more persons bugging me….
And so I went upstairs, unfortunately they bugged me still…
It was ok though, mas madali sa knila than with grace…
I saw john’s laptop and nagkalikot ako…
Then I thought of yeng’s cool off….dahil sa pagmamadali ko Friday night hindi ko na nacopy yung song and nakalimutan ko na rin namn yung buong lyrics..
After I played it once, I was teary-eyed, good thing nobody caught me.
Nagpaalam agad ako na uwi na ko…went downstairs and listened to the song over and over….some parts are a little harsch..ok I know I over-analyzed it..
Despite super maga na yung mata ko I went to church 5pm…I needed to…besides I badly wanted to….
Another mass to remember…its about carrying ones cross…and yeah..naiyak na namn ako sa homily..iyaking bata….oh well that’s me….
Went home and sound trip again…nag-emote na namn kaya nakatulog….
Went upstairs again kase yung makulit na si john pinaakyat ako para magdinner and so I went...then umuwi na ko to prep my things for another Monday….
I was actually thinking of taking a leave tomorrow…
Oo,….SL na namn, kunwari….baket? well first I don’t feel like going anywhere besides my bed…
Second…I don’t know how to act..pano ba yug cool-off na yun? Im now quite more decided to just refrain from going online…no YM nor skype even friendster and facebook..and yeah..even blogs….
But …im ot sure yet…he may misinterpret it and I may end up hurting him…..kaya ko kayang tiisin yon?..hayy…parang hindi……Hmmmm bahala na si batman…..
I end up reading what I wrote yesterday and somehow proof-read it….
2am…I needed some sleep now….
Btw its father’s day….no I didnt went out with my father…I just realized it’s been half a year since we’ve actually spent time together…weird right..but yes somehow its my faut…I tried to call him early morning but….he’s out of reach…as always? Oh well…I texted him, got no response….hayy..my father…. willl call him again early tomorow. Hopefully masagot. Im planning to see him next week btw..plus tatay is visiting as well…so sabay na lang yung treat….i remember how I planned for a fathers day blog today…im suppose to write about my father but unfortunately….i got so preoccupied of some things…anyway I can do that on ondinary days….no need waiting for fathers day to tell them how much we love them and how grateful we are still for their love…so yeah happy fathers day to all the dads!
It’s good I stopped crying now….i can go to work without worrying how my eyes look like…
Ang arte ko na kase…..yeah I can smile now….positivity..he just need some time off…he will realiaze eventually…..everything…and he will find clarity he’s been looking for….and….i hope as I give him this space and time for himself…matandaan nya that im not giving up on him…im just letting him…..find what he’s looking for….
Day 3 (June 22, 2009)
I end up checkin facebook first….and saw your pics….it nice seein you went out with your dad and your kuya…and you try to go on with your life…
I wonder what you were thinking behind those photos…hayyy here I go again….
Btw you’re comic style still works…naaliw pa rin ako dun sa edited na smiles..ang kulit! Tama yug cuzin mo, you got the best smile tol….
Now im curious what’s new in friendster….
Ok ok…hindi nga talaga kita kayang tiisin..
I logged in to skype but not in YM don’t feel like talking to anyone anyway…nag-skype lang ako just in case biglang mo kong mamis….
Then I checked friendster, your song has this melancholic effect on me…felt sad again..
Looked for a song that would somehow show my curret mood and I picked cannonball…
I feel like foating….
Now I am full of thoughts again….
Made me reminisce at how things happened….
The relationship came unplanned and even unprepared for.
Not sure of his side but mine……yes…
Back to June of last year all I was sure of is that… THIS PERSON will probably be forever special to me…
And no one can ever replace him….in a very very very special way….
Despite those very strong thoughts for him…
Despite the sweetness and the unexplainable connection I have/ always have with him…
(even/because of) After what happened October of 2005…I never admitted…
I never admitted even to myself what Im feelin….
I never admitted…it was more than the just the word special…
Why? Hmmm because….I don’t know…maybe I was just wasn’t sure..or maybe I was just scared…hmm yeah maybe I was just scared…I was scared of all the unknowns….what may happen with the friendship,”again”?… not knowing what exactly he feels…..i had this feeling that he was just scared too..but was I right? I don’t know…and right at this moment im still thinking what he was feelin back June when we were able to “personally” confirm that “connection”….
Those were the most beautiful days of my life…
Despite the nerve-racking fears I had on mind…despite the confusion…
I decided to just be myself…and show him anything I wana show…no reservation…
I just showed him who I am…and what I was feelin…just show him…no words….no assurances…
All I was thinking that time was…”If if keep what I wana show or make him feel….I probably will regret it…”
No words because again…I’ve never admitted anything to myself.
No assurance because… kamusta namn kung hihingi ako ng kahit na anong assurance when I myself was weary of what exactly I was feelin..we were feelin…
UNTIL JUNE 30 happened…
It was so random..it just happened…
And I found myself telling him what I feel…suddenly the only fear that TRULY mattered was….”ayoko ng may iba xa….”
Surprisingly I was carefree of all the other unknowns…like what may happen in our friendship or what he’s feelin
I was feelin so weirdly sure that it will turn out ok and we are a lot mature now to handle it all….I had this feelin that all we wanted is for us to work things out…to finally free ourselves from all that’s been keeping us from admitting what we feel for each other…and at that moment , all I wanted is wanted to finally make things clear between us.
and so…then and there…. words came out and yes this time I asked for assurance…
we again committed to each other….
The days after that was more beautiful.
Thinking about how it went still gives me this unexplainable heartbeat.
Perhaps writing here how nice it was wouldn’t do justice.
Because what I love most about us is that more than lovers we are friends…we knew each other well…bonus it wasn’t hard to adjust to each others interest because we almost have the same its sometimes funny already…but yeah its amazing and its fun….absulutely fun…
August 5 came and he had to leave….
I was able to masked a brave face on the airport…
I didn’t even cry….oh well…. at least not in front of him…
All I wana do that time was to hug him so tight and kiss him like there’s no tomorrow…but I didn’t, I wasn’t able to.
The hardest days came after that….
I was literally cryin almost everynight because I miss him….it was sickening to think that we both miss each other so bad and we can’t do anything about it….
But then I had to be strong…we had to be strong and mature enough about it…
I admit during the first few days of us being apart..again…
I felt him more showy of his feeling than me…
I felt him more vocal and with less reservation…
He calls more frequent than I do…
He would say hi…he would say he miss me….
I was the less responsive one…he has more hope in us than i do…
It was because at night I would remind myself to leave something for myself in case it didn’t work…
You know the cliché’s….Reserve something for yourself and all…
Plus, I was still scared…scared that “history may repeat itself, that October of 05 may happen again…”
But he was persistent….and yeah consistent…
And I loved it…I got so used to it….
then after each day I found myself falling more and more….
It was that day we had a little misunderstanding about “trust” that made me realize..
HE REALLY wanted to make this work out TOO….and I was convinced..
It was when I had this feeling he’s having a really tough time with school I felt I had to step-up…
I had to be on his side of the boat and made him feel loved more this time…
We both had to step-up….and I think we did…
He was fighting..me too…we are…(or were)
Days went on and he realized it wasn’t his passion…
He got confused if its really what he wanted…
He started to become lost…and then he started to be different…not really negative pero I can see how he is having a tough time dealing with it all….
He tried to manage it but to no avail he end up giving up…I know it was really hard for him to do that but he did
and I was proud of him deciding for himself..standing for what he believe will make him happy nd he deserves…
And then he said he’s lost…which I understand knowing what he’s been through…pero nalungkot ako because he seem to give up with himself…and what he then believed….
I understand his situation….despite he’s becoming more lost ata each days..naiintindihan ko naman…in all honesty kahit masakit if he sometimes unintentionally neclect me..naiintindihan ko because I know nahihirapan na sya..with his situation plus with our situation…
Days went dragging….and i thought he was tryin to fight it all…I thought I was doin a fine job being the “supportive” bestfriend if not girlfriend I wanna be…I thought I was… I thought it was enough…it could be enough….bt I guess I was wrong…
I thought letting him know that I will always be here could somehow lessen his burden…oh well … it looks not….I wish I could whisper to his ears that “I am here”...I wish if could fly and sit next to him every minute he feels he need a hug or just a pat at the back…I wish I could… I wish I could even write here how my heart is breaking into pieces everytime I wish for that….I wish I could do more…..I wish I could write every wish and prayer I’ve made for him….for us….I wish I could make him know how he mean to me…I wish we could get over this….him with his issues in his life….me dealing with him while he tries to push me away….i wish we could just wake up one day we’re over this…over this TOGETHER….i wish we could….
I cant believe I’ve actually wrote that long…..
I enjoyed it though..at least he knows my side of the story….
And he knows what im feelin or felt…that is if ive already decided that I will post this….
I admit I am having hard time now..well because hindi ko alam kung san ako lulugar….
but you know what, I stopped crying anymore….
Hindi ko alam why exactly pero I have this feeling this is somehow helpful for us…
Saken personally I’ve really certain most if not all things out….
I hope he does too…I hope he face the hard-core truths now…..
I hope he realize things already…oo natatakot ako that he may realize he wana give up on this, on us…pero if that will make him happy then wala akong magagawa di ba?...
Those are out of my controls anymore…
Because we all are given a choice..he has a choice..
and this is my choice…
Im laying all the cards here…
Back then I always try to convince myself that “NO” I am not head over heals inlove with him….
And as I go to sleep at night I try to imagine and prepare for the worst…
But here I go again…
I’ve become so vocal of how much I love him…Ive always tried to tell him what I felt/feel…
I’ve always blogged/tweet of how much I adore him…and believe him etc. etc.
I’ve always sound so hopelessly inlove…
Because I am…and so I am staying....
Now….things are a little hazy between us…..
I know one day you will come and tell me what you’ve realized and accomplished,
What you’ve decided…
I hope those are the things I’ve wished for..I hope I can still be part of that version of you…
But no matter what happens…I hope you follow you heart,….
2.30 am now,
Again my minds wondering on where you are and what you’re doing…
I hope you started the week right…I hope you’re having a good day…
I pray you come across your passion already..I pray you find the answers you’ve been looking for….
I had a fine day btw…it wasn’t grand though…wala ka e…
Day 4 will start in few hours..I’m wishing for your return already….
I’m missing you….
Day 4 (June 23, 2009)
I miss you more…
I visited your page again….yeah hindi natiis..
Tried to listen to your song..its nice…I like it….hmmm just don’t know what exactly that mean or you mean…
Not sure if you’re referring to your fears or mine…
Hayyyyy……I wana know what you feel…kung pwede lang…sana I can be like Edward for a day…
So I can hear what you’re thinking…that would be cool right…
And that could definitely make this situation a lot easier…
Anyway…it made me want to look for a song too…which would exactly say what I feel…
Unfortunately I cant find one…
Cannonball has been my song since yesterday…its words aren’t exactly what I feel but it describes exactly how thoughts have been runnin wildly in me….napaka unstable ng utak ko lately..oh well obvious namn sa mga pinagsususulat ko….
Malamang because I have fears….malamang dahil naka-hang ako....yeah…ayoko ng nka-hang…
Ayoko ng hindi ko alam kung san ako lulugar…
Hmmmm pero ano magagawa ko...u said you need to be away…
And I wana give you what you need….
Im usually hunted by my fears but I don’t think it controls me…
For the past months im usually visited by them, but knowing you’re there and assuring me that you’re there has always been my armor from those fears…
That is why im like this now….yeah…yun yon…..
Oh wel…I know you’re there…
You’re just…..wandering somewhere there….
Hayyy and korni ko na…gulay….
Balik ka na…
I miss telling stories to you…
I miss laughing already…
Hayyyy…sana mahanp mo na….
Lord…sana mahanp na nya o…and sana I get over this little insanity while he’s away…
And sana I get to be brave enough to post this….
Naisip ko lang….
Kun tutuusin this isn’t the longest we’ve not kept in touch..
Yeah nung may class ka pa may time na 1 week pa nga e….
And I did miss you soo bad then….
Pero Ngayon more than 3 days pa lang feeling ko 1 month na…seryoso…
Oh well..noon kase I can do anything…like brag to the whole world what I feel and I can just email you anytime or call….
E bat nga ba hindi ko magawa ngayon?..hmmm e sabi mo ng akase cool-off di ba…
Hayyyy….bakit kaya tinawag tong cool-off…this isn’t cool at all…
Not for me…ewan ko ikaw…hehe bitter?..nahhh…ok lang…kaya to…
I have this feeling na babalik ka namn…
Ewan ko ba…feeling ko lang…
Hayyy…
Lord…sana po ngayon na..pero kung hinde,…pede din bukas….
Day 5 (June 24, 2009)
I miss feelng more alive…I miss dreaming and smiling and laughing….
I miss me when there’s clarity….
Guess that’s what you gave me for the past months…
And suddenly it left…
You took it with you for the past days…..
My minds clear..i think…but emotionally….i am bothered….
And im hating it…
I was bothered then…I mean before Friday night but then I felt strong enough to fight it…
Now…it seems I cant do the same..
I just cant find the serenity on my own…
Guess Ive been that dependent on you..oh well maybe on the thought that you’re there….
I love being loved..and I love giving love…
Two things that should go together..
For the past months I had those two…and I felt bliss…
Iv never felt more hopeful and alive than I am when we were…so ok..
It wasn’t all perfect but its enough for the moment...
It seemed the best part of me was always you…..
Because I love how I’ve shown love and how you’ve shown it to me..
There’s probably a logic behind that…
And yeah it was only the past days I’ve realized..
I love giving love….
I love saying the magic word as often as I can…
I love showing it and reassuring the person I love him because he might be needing the same “love” as much as I do….
Ok OK I know mejo magulo…
and this will sound really weird…I don’t know…and this is way too personal..and this will be the first time im gona admit it to myself..and to the whole world probably….
I can’t remember an instance any of “my family” ever told me they love me…in words…not even in a letter…or an sms…
But of course I do know they do…iv always believe they do...they somehow show it in actions…
It’s just that people need assurance sometimes…even from our own family….
I don’t even have any memory of being told those 3 words by my father…
I can’t remember the last time he hugged me…or I hugged him…even kiss…
I would kiss his lips when I was in HS…and his cheeks now, always before we part……
But you what, I can’t remember when was the last time he kissed me…maybe when I was a kid? I don’t know…
Well I know I grew up like that….that’s my family’s nature… I guess…
We’re not into cuddled up even telling i-love-you’s….
But I do remember the last time I tried to hug them…and sed those 3 words…because everytime I have a chance to tell it or text it..i do……
I thought it would mean nothing to me..
I though I’d grew immune to it and I wouldn’t be affected at all…
But….that probably molded me big time to be the person I am…
My priorities…how I see things..how I show love…how I wana be loved…
Hmmmm that’s it…
That’s Behind all my reaction…
That’s behind the so called “me” as a person..a friend..a girlfriend.…
I probably may not be alone..I mean not the lone one whose family isn’t showy or wordy at all…
At least that’s what I always tell myself….
Anyway I believe they do love me anyway…they’re ways of showing aren’t just that obvious…
Having said that I love my family no less….
And there’s no sense having self-pity…id give love instead…
Someday when I have my own family, I promise it’s not gonna be the same….
Oh wel in terms of showin love and making them feel it…I’ll just make it better…
Hayyyy….realizations…promises…
Is this an effect of not talking to you and prohibiting myself from doing so?
Or was it because of the movies I saw last night?
I remember you told me before Im gonna like it if I saw it.
And you are right..i love it…I love how it was written and constructed…
I love how it showcase living life to the fullest and accepting destiny…
Its “passengers” by the way…
I remember you saying the same about that will smith’s movie…7 pounds…
That im gona like it and u were right… I did…
You really know me..and yeah I think we have A LOT in common…
I just saw your shout-out….
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. -Reinhold Niebuhr
Amen to that….
I wish I could say the right words…I wish I could come up with the perfect line…
But I cant find one…I cant find the words cause it may not be enough…
I wanna be part of your toughest time…
And…well I will be…you may not see it…you may not actually feel it….im part of you…
i am here…
hay hindi ko na natiis…I thought of the song…hope it could help…
God will make a way bes…HE, will make a way….
Day 6 (June 25, 2009)
Its been 6 days….
I saw Forest Gump last night….it was….very touching..and inspiring.…
Made me question again destiny…fate….
well I learned we’ll actually never know what it will be…
I learned that we just have to make the best out of what we have..
We have to make the best out of what God gave us..
It’s a very nice movie..vvvery nice…
Made me believe in what people can do…what any person “can” do…
Made me (again) believe in living life to the fullest..
Made me believe in friendship and love…great love..
Made me (again) wish for a mom…
Hmmm Very feel good movie…
After watching it I was full of thoughts…slept at around 2 already..
Been not getting enough sleep lately…
I end up getting sleepy here…but its fine…its quite manageable…
The only problem is that I get too lazy to wake up in morning…
Good thing im now capable of fightin it…guess I like it here more than at home, but only on weekdays…
At least I get productive and I get to read A LOT…
I plan to watch more movies this week…
Wala lang…just so I can grasp more of other stuffs…
I miss watching discovery travel though..and iv been missing a lot of local shows already...
But movies is a good way to divert myself for a while….
Woke up right before my alarm this morning…
it was rainin hard outside…
My mind’s alert despite my lack of sleep…and I thought of you..yeah that early…
You were in my prayers before I went to sleep…I even wished for a dream with you in it….
Can’t remember a dream though but you were the first thing I thought of today…
I thought of how are you…and hows me…
Guess my life’s really startin to be a little slack and less meaningful without you in it….
Strong word yes…
But looks like all the dreamin and enthusiasm I got is from you…and your love…
Accidentally, unintentional..thats how it went….
That maybe’s the reason why I think I feel lost as well….because you are….
And I can feel myself how tough things are…
I hope you find your way soon…you find my way soon…
For now..i’ll wait here….i’ll just wait here…
But I will try to make to make you feel my love in my own little way…
Day 7 (June 26 2009)
Should I stop counting now?
Hmmmm…….
Well…I think we are ok…somehow…
Its good na namimis nya din ako…
That’s a good sign…im not alone…
Hay pero sana magkaclarity na ulet….
Im tryin to put at the back of my mind na may cool-off…
So it’s a little easier to believe more that we can surpass this….
Its working though…
Lalo na wen I talked to him…
At least napigilan ko magdrama…oh wel I did..pero mejo lang..hehe…
Now…I think im fine…
Probably because I can feel that he’s…getting better….
Hmmm thank you ulit Lord…
Sana magtutuloy tuloy na…
You know the desires of my heart…our hearts…
help us win this…
(this is the day he suddenly popped up @ skype and we had chat…a good one if I may say..and after that day I just decided to stop tryin to write “formally” of what im fellin…why? I don’t know, maybe because I had this feelin that things will be alrights…but I do”tweet” some random thoughts from then on….just couldn’t help it…I had to still let it out….)
Day 8 (June 27 2009)
(a Saturday well spent with nanay and tatay in cubao…they asked about him…and I answered briefly…good thing no one even noticed that there’s something wrong…thanks to yesterdays chat..i felt strong enough….)
Day 9 (June 28, 2009
(a Sunday well spent with nanay and tatay in cubao…they asked about him…and I answered briefly…good thing no one even noticed that there’s something wrong…thanks to yesterdays chat..i felt strong enough….)
Day 10 (June 29, 2009)
(here ares ome of my tweets)
back to work...hayyy....it's the 10th day....if feels like a month... : (
Is it my imagination or is everything making sense more than ever before ?....-him
I would be glad if he's found his path..and everything will make sense to him..kahit pa i wont be part of it anymore...as long as he's happy
that's how much he means to me...
it would hurt me big time..but if that will make things better for him....then...im gonna be fine....in time....
hayyy,,clarity...let me stop worrying the unknowns....
"Fate rarely calls upon us at a moment of our choosing." - Optimus Prime
remindin myself..."this kismet's a dance...."
just talked to his mom..hayyyyy...sooo like her....im excited to meet her....kahit pa i know its gona be a bit stressful...for sure its fun.
hmmm..made me miss his voice again....should i call him na?....hayyyyy..
its quite funny she was telling me na "pagsabihan xa" bout something...cute ryt,,,.hayayayyy....im gona do that for sure once ok na lahat,.
and i hope thats soon....
another day's over....it was slow yes....
Day 11 (June30, 2009)
11th day....
the light in me will guide you home...all i want is to be your harbor....
how come its so sunny outside yet so cold here?
and how come time's soooo slow?????? : (
contemplatin...overheared some stories from sir and ms...wel-travelled people..i wonder wil i look at the world the same way they do..
had i experience the same....hmmm....i hope not...they've had once in a lifetime chances and it should be used positively as they go on...
oh well...i'll never know....
i wish i could write well..write these thoughts in my head...vividly...
i want to make people realize some things...make them see what's beyond what they wanna see..
let's look @ things differently...can we?...i know it isnt as easy as it sound...but it can be achieved ryt?...
talking social awareness and appreciation of life..I cant do something BIG for others...the least i could do is 2 believe in their
believe in what people are capable of....
may not personally help them achieve their dreams...literally... but @ least i could believe that yeah maybe they can...
i hate toxic people...not that im not "being toxic" sometimes....admittedly...
just that..i try to be aware of it....of myself..and of what other people may feel of what i'll say or do...that logic....gets?
a huh...poeople-watching is fun..i mean people-listening...(is there such?)...
i remember i did a lot of that way back on college..
most of the time on the foodcourt...while eating alone or studying..id caught myself unintentionally observing and listening to them..
yeah..lumilipad and isip..im usually alone yes...and that was helpful somehow..
na mag-isa sometimes at lumilipad ang isip?..hehe...oo na...
some lessons are BEST learned when taught by ourselves...(do i make sense? i think i do....)
but its better if somebody else reminds us of that lesson once in a while...better if we have someone to share that lesson with....
i had that someone...and i miss him...
hmm wel...i still "have" him...and he will soon share his lessons with me...hopefully...
just read bianca's new post....love love love her,.,.and what she does...can i have the same oppotunities she hve?..kahit yung travel lang?
Lord....kahit yung travels lang...please?.....
3 things i desperately WANT @ dis vry moment: see places, somewhere i'v never been to...appreciate life more...and influence people..
can i make it four? BE WITH him.
five? Be with him and do the other 3 together....shocks..i know i know..this is a lil insane...lovely insanity?....maybe...
http://twitpic.com/8u558 - soooo miss this guy.... : (
wana go home...but cant...antagal talaga ng oras recently....why oh why.....
Just read from somewhere..."Goals are better than Dreams kasi sa dreams walang action sa Goal me action ka to meet it.....
i think i should agree now..have to have goals...achievable ones...which could someday make my dreams come true...
wishing na my dumating na napaka bonggang opportunity..clocks ticking faster for the people i love..people i wana share those dreams with...
time to go home now...til tomorow...im gona do more thinking tonight, FOR SURE...
but still love @ydlazir1724...goodnight from manila...
Day 12 (July 1, 2009)
12th day....how come i cant have the courage to dial his number! was suppose to last night..almost... : (
too lazy today..my minds somewhere else...need some zadygesic...Lord please???..i know iv been asking for it everyday already...kulit na ba?
just corinne may-ing....soundtripin....and waiting....
"the answer is blowin in the wind....."
thinking of SG...shud i go or not?..yeah iv been a lil doubtful about it...nyay so not me?..yes...
hotdog and chicharon for lunch....bad for the heart...but yum!
yum for the heart? anu daw?...lol...
i should do my extensive recon today...SHOULD....
im doin it...good girl..
bugged....should i call him????...hayyyy,...ang hirap magpigil...shocks...i wana hear his voice....
"my love will follow you...stay with you...baby you're never alone...."
sana namn mag refund na ang AA...kasalanan ko ba na hindi sila narerefund???..tsk tsk...
bigyan nyo kaya ako ng tiket papuntang amerika?... maniningil ako?...nyay...that sounds weird...but cute..
desperately want a copy of "for one more day" by mitch albom!...should i buy it????..
shocks! i got one already!..galing galing!
ok ok..found a new bog to swoon over with...she's a pinay previously working here and now a US cpa in cali...interesting? yeah..
time to go home now...wednesdays over!...i still have a long day ahead though...read read and read! yay!....attention diverted? sorta..
no goodbyes..just see you later...from manila...
Day 13 (July 2, 2009)
13th day baby...and its gonna be a week now....get wat i mean?...tsk tsk tsk....
boss sed: everything here is borrowed...even your sons and daughters and husbands....ur life...in my mind..seldom it is...i agreed....
gota work now...song-hunt on the sides.....be back later...
check his page first...how come i cant open it??? hayyy...
"oh simple thing, where have you gone???..."
" and if you have minute why dont we go...talk about it somewhere only we know..."
i will remember you...will you remember me...."
back to my comfort song..."do you wonder where it starts Where it ends What you find around the bend...."
"Life is for the living, the forgiven and the leaving town alive...."
suddenly wonder whats gonna happen really....can i just google it?....
can they go back to the start after all this????...wil he be the same?...will she be the same?....
but first and foremost...will he come back?????....
does she want him back? honestly?...... yes.
i just remember!...he called me "kismet"!..he did!....hmmmm....
why am i always thinking of him..even while working....and why am i sooooo damn good at multistasking????? tsk tsk..nyay! yabang...
one chessy song...."and if you'd stay i'll hold ur hand...coz im truly madly crazily inlove with you..."....sobrang cheeesyyy!-greenwich ad.
one disreagrded word i've read/heard more than 5 times today..."clingY"....un intentional maybe...but made me re-evaluate myself...
owww..love this quote..."Real love is always fated. It has been arranged before time. It is the most meticulously prepared of coincidences..
.... And fate, of course, is simply a secular term for the will of God, and coincidence for His grace." - Joshua Harris ----SOOO agree....
Never ask for a lighter rain Just pray… For a better umbrella...(read from "wits & nuts)..im gonna try to say this to myself EVERYDAY...
out in few minutes...no signs of him today...tom wil be 'd 14th...hoping for a change?..am i still hoping? .. painfully, YES.
Day 14 (July 3, 2009)
new day...i just hope i feel new also..
hmmm...we really like the same songs...saw "that" song yesterday and actually contemplated if im gona put it in mine..
raining so hard outside....
can't find a song... : (
got the song! in my life......hmmm...
"and these memories lose their meaning when i think of love as something new..."
"Though i know i'll never lose affection For people and things that went before I know i'll often stop and think about them..."
i think i need a haircut....
not that im actually-really-so broken-hearted or something...my hair's just too long...that's it....
ok ok i admit..i ache...but that dont actually connect with the need of a haircut no ...hmmm defensive?...hehe...no.
got this really cute/funny quote from erez....
"kung lahat na lang ng ginagawa nya binibigyan mo ng kahulugan....konti na lang DICTIONARY KA NA..."...hmmm! sapul! haha..
quote hunt....
"In the end, it's not going to matter how many breaths you took, but how many moments took your breath away.... "
"We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give. Winston Churchill"
" When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place "
"If today was perfect there would be no need for tomorrow. "
"believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it."
"the beauty of photographs is that they never change....even if the people in them do... "
im uploading the chats on the site....catching up that secret place....y am i posting it there?...bakit nga ba?...i dont know really..
maybe one day i'd know why.....y'know dat moment when something popped up & usuddnly realize y u did something uv never knew exacly y...
chattin with him..he suddenly popped up...hmmm kendi..
"Life is about change, sometimes it's painful, sometimes it's beautiful, but most of the time it's both...."
he sed..."and in case u wanna get reminded again...i love u".....~~ hayayayyy...i love him too....
Lord, help us pass this.....please????......
for now..Im thankful for that chance...i know YOU know the desires our hearts...i lay all these to you....thank you bro...
please guide us..and bless us...thanks u again...nytie from manila...
P.S. make him feel my love in times he needed someone to be there...i love him bro....
Day 15 (July 4, 2009) Went out with madz, had our nails done and a haricut!
Day 16 (July 5, 2009) Sleep all day!
Day 17 (July 6, 2009)
monday..work work work..
btw...17th today...and he's got a nice song on his page..im envious...hmmm..this is gona a busy week...
plus...my haircut is starting to mess up...im thinking if im gona get another one...lost more than 5 inches of hair! more to come? tsk tsk..
shocks..my song is sooooo wayyy emo...but i love it...nyay!
"Coz I miss u, body and soul so strong dat it takes my breath away And I breathe u into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today."
zero visibility outside! nakakatakot!
just realized my song's very straight.. raw emotions uncovered...
this past few days..i dont really feel like tryin using metaphors and simile's...
me-revealed..layin all the cards...givin u the gun, point here,trustin u'll never pull the trigger....hayyy..bahala na si batman...
lookin for something to do!..oh yeah mauubos na mga kelangan ko gawin..invoices shud come soon...i cant be bored...
got an hour to burn! boooooooored!
ohhhh...leaving on a jetplane is playin in the radio!...mood shift!..im fine now..winks...
blog-hopping again....entertaining ones self....hayssss...wait...havnt seen any sign of him today...hmm where is he????...
btw..im excited and quite tensed bout the weekend! yay!
ok ok..i think i should go back blogging......wil not wear my heart of my sleeves though..just try to post some "wortful" stuffs...
ok ok..i think i should go back blogging......wil not wear my heart on my sleeves though..just try to post some "worthy" stuffs...
nice song...soo upbeat..and nice pic! ..he is macho...haha..hmmm is this a sign?...hay hay..
"Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next."
"Delicious ambiguity".....ooops....its almost 630...i SHOULD go out now..
told yah this is gona be a busy week..and something should start tonight..task 1: go to the bookstore and buy stuffs!
WAIT! the suns not yet set!...havent gone home this early for a long time...but i have a mission..i do have a mission..nyay!
Day 18 (July 7, 2009)
18th day...morning philipppines..morning world....
"how i love the simple things just are....."
tryin cyberlink director.....aral mode...its for the project...
looks complicated,...wil do it later...
back to work....i shud not forget to call ate coco later....
miss the old imeem.. too many pop ups now.. : (
forwarded him the email...just find it necessary to cut the space for it...i wasnt so me though...no sweetnes...except the macho part..hays
"at the end of it all....i wana be in ur arms..."
got a copy of the song..YAY! ..beautiful ending is soooo nice....
contemplatin...shud i go for the the 2nd haircut this week?...
heard on the radio..."I'm 22 for a moment....."
hmmm slightly having drastic moodswings today...
fbi mode....made me wonder wer was i A YEAR AGO...
hmmm...my eyes are now too tired..i better go home..
wer is he?..i dont know...myt be a busy bee....
home bound...hmmm happy thoughts happy thoughs..wer r u?????
yeah yeah..im just a lil worried...looks like ambiguity isnt delicious at all...or at least for today.....hayyy....distance....
dear distance...bear with me...please?...dont make me feel u soooo damn much...3
SHOULD go home now....sleeptyt, from manila...
Day 19 (July 8, 2009)
morning!...im wayyyy too sleepy...pinuyat ako ni MJ...'twas all worth it though....
morning!...im wayyyy too sleepy...pinuyat ako ni MJ...'twas all worth it though....
stayed up til 4am...'twas all worth it...my heart goes as well to paris, prince and blanket...bless his children....feel for them...
hmmm 19th day today....i miss him.... : (
just heard......"Tulad ng ilog na hindi tumitigil sa pag-agos..pag-ibig di matatapos...."..hayy cheesy i know....
awwww...just heard..."I cant make you love me if you dont You cant make your heart feel something it wont..".....hayyyyyYYY! these thots!
go away thots...he loves u..he sed so, ryt?????.....
better now...8:34
marked my 500th update! yay! makes me wonder hu gets to read this (that i personally know) anyway..nyaiks..oh wel...this is a breather...
in awe about 123456789...can't wait for 11:11:11 11/11/11...hmmmm....
hates the word.."sayang".....
tired eyes..sleeeeepy head....but stil wana do the "project" tonight!.....
watched paris jascksons video "again"..and "again" im teary eyed.....
another days over....did it went fast? or slow?...hmmm...no signs of him today again...hope he's fine...
diane's kwento is quite alarming and ms rikas's as wel..shocks..should i be worried too???...i hope not..i really hope not...
Lord...keep me hopeful....help me believe "still" in it...in us...please..please...moreso...help us do..
ambuguity....let me accept you..and embrace you..and not lose myself incase something "tragic" happens..."again" ?....
no nega thots...i better do something "sensible"..wil go home now..the "project" is a nice outlet...can't wait to show it to d world...
nytie from manila...mmmmmmwah....
Day 20 (July 9, 2009)
20th day...there's something about 20...
its nanay's birthday! and his dad...
and my last working day for this week...yeah..its gona be an exciting-stressful-fun day tomorow and the coming days...sheesh! kaka ko yun
hmmm.....im praying it goes well...plus i can go home this weekend and be with kids and nanay and tatay! yay!..inspirations..
PLUS! im gona be spending a little more time than before with ate and cutie kylie?..PLUS my chance to do the project..
PLUS! il get to know tita more...and hear lots of stories for sure...nyay! excited...hayyy..sweet torture it is...but still its SWEET!
i havent ask permission to leave though!...il do it later..hopefuly nothing comes up.
wonderin' why people can't "just" believe in the goodness of other people...
religion is a VERY sensitive topic..wel again i just overheard some people talkin...
eating lunch..my "chicken adobo" is yum! mistakenly put "milo" instead of sugar last nyT!...but this turned own hella good! haha...
Sometimes only one person is missing and the whole world seems depopulated. - Alphonse de Lamartine
ms s got nikon D40 slr for 23K...ahhh im envious... : (
if not for the "responsibilities" i have my slr and vaio laptop NOW!...big sigh....
oh well...everything in its time baby..its TIME...it will come...it will..
ok back to reality now..set ur goals girl..set it straight....
ahhhhhh...torture....y o y.....
wonder wat he's thinking....y cant we talk about it?????????.....shud i call??? does he want me to call????
it is...what it is...
when?.....until when?......10:57 PM Jul 8th from web
exchnaging emails with diane.....her situation is makin me over-analyze mine...dang! ayoko...
excerpt from what i told her: "eto lang…depende rin naman sa klase ng tao..pero most often than not….
..….”super mahirap” and nakaka stress din if u don’t know where “exactly” to put urself…
looking forward…how wil u feel if u see him “going-out” with someone else…if ur not commited ryt….rollercoaster yun…
its gona ba a lot complicated…"...…more complicated than what u have now... more complicated than an LDR i think....
sounds "related"????....hmmm i dont know really....with him?....
me to D: "It is stressful..plus u have no idea what he feels exactly coz hindi mo xa nakikita.."
me to D: dont let him have u as an “option”….wag mydear....oh wel nasayo pla…pero and saken kase kung ikaw, ikaw lang……
me to D: lets not make life miserable and complicated…if she wants rhea then dun xa…..if u, then u…
i was affected yes...i am for "simple things"....comon who doesnt...lets not be blinded of wat seem to be simple yet NOT....
him! why do i have this weirdest feeling when he comes????..its like chills!..nice chills...
chattin.....u have to hear my heart-beat....
will always try to enjoy life and keep dreamin....Amen.
time to go home now....it was a....hi-hello-how r u-how things has been-what do u think about this-take care-goognight conversation....
but honestly? its still nice and fun to talk to him...blinded? nahhhh...i just feel it...
thats from kanina...
home bound....wish me luck tomorow!..yeah..im just gona be me...its gona be fine...
love you.. from manila....
Day 21 (July 10, 2009) met tita in person, kwentuhan to death, went to divisoria
Day 22 (July 11, 2009) slept at their house, went to the mall wit them and watched ice age 3
Day 23 (July 12, 2009) went home and sleep almost all day. We talked and finally hes BACK! : )
Day 24 (July 13, 2009)
im back!..we'r back! yay! me after 3 days...us after 23 days!..nyay!
this is a feel gOooood day...cant wait to catch up on my music in friendster..and some updates on facebook...
btw....weekend is soooOOO fun! : )